KEEP MOVING

I can’t stop thinking how far I am now from everyone and everything that used to matter to me. I’m barely into my adult life, and I feel like I’ve already met and lost some of the best people I’ll ever meet. I can’t stop feeling helpless.

I’ve never been able to handle this feeling. I can’t stand having problems and not even knowing if there is an answer. Math and logic are simple. Science, reasoning, even language have rules to play by. If you give me a problem that functions within a set of boundaries, I will solve it. If there is an answer I’ll find it. But what if you take away the rules. What if you throw me into the real world, where I’m all alone and not even the merit of my own hard work is enough to get by? I’ll fail. I’ll drown. I can’t survive in a world where being the best isn’t the answer. I’m smarter, I do a better job, and I fall behind. I can’t live in a world where you have to start successful to be successful or know someone. I just want to rely on merit.

And then there are people. There is absolutely no logical explanation for how people interact with each other. I will never understand another person as long as I live, because people aren’t math problems. I can’t find the derivative of why you don’t love me anymore. I don’t know how to graph what made us stop being best friends. If I can’t find reasons, I can’t even find the problem. If I don’t know what the problem is, I can’t solve it. I need to know what to do.

I need there to be a right answer.